ashamed and amazed

Lately,
I’ve been taking a trip down memory lane and found my old blogs.
Alas, much has changed since I’ve started blogging on Xanga six years ago. For one, I used Xanga at the time, which was the standard blogging site for people.

It feels rather shameful to read through old entries. I was a different person back then, but I do see similar themes between Michael Kim Kwon in 2005 and Michael Kim Kwon in the present.

Here’s a brief list to save us from the trouble of having to digest 6 years worth of Xanga content.

  • Maturity was the ingredient that was lacking in me back then, and still lacking to this day.
  • Though I may have seemed a little quiet six years ago, I do see my zanyness explode from the pages in my Xanga. Perhaps my wonkyness had its origins far earlier than I thought. It seems that I was merely able to express myself better in college, and have the whole of my personality follow suit.
  • I see a lot of bitterness, but a lot of Christ’s grace. I was bitter and hateful, but I kept on latching to God’s Word. This is very surprising; words from Scripture, flowing out of an obstinate child. Even some of my devotionals I shared in that Xanga had extraordinary insight, especially from a 15 year old emotional high-schooler who did not understand Christ’s lordship. I know that I was writing some of those entries out of pride, yet God even redeemed the ugly hands to craft beauty.

Though my content was immature and an ugly thing to look at, nevertheless I saw the sprinklings of God’s sovereign grace. The seeds were planted. And I can trace its inception from its origin.

I am ashamed of my past. I am ashamed of who I was, of what I’ve done, and of who I am now. I know that I still continue to exhibit vileness in such subtle ways that only the sovereign hand of the Lord can reveal to me my ugliness.

But I am amazed at God. I am amazed of how much work God’s done in my life. I am amazed that God even saw fit to choose me.

And though I still have to deal and struggle with my indwelling sin & the horrific consequences that it resulted from, I am so amazed that God would save me and use me for His purposes! Truly, to Him be the glory, forever…

At the end of this memory lane trip,
I discover my heart relating much with Paul’s, when he reflected on God’s grace in His life.

For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.
(1 Corinthians 15:9-10 ESV)

To Him be the glory, forever.
+Michael K

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