I’ve been what I swore to never be.
Such a twisted irony… It’s most fascinating to see how that twisted irony was ever to bless me with its presence in my life..
A friend noted that I seemed “unMichael” today. Such an acute observation from a person who’s only heard 2 minutes and 59 seconds of dialogue from me.
Today, I returned to visit the place & memories where my thorn pierced me. I see that rosy thorn from a distance, and somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to even say “hi”. I know that the thorn intentionally stayed away from speaking with me ever.
Today, for the first time, I stopped myself in the middle of a dance with an acquaintance.
That really breaks a rule in social dance: “To never stop dancing in social dances.” To see that my own emotions can effect me to the point of hurting my social interactions… from a 3rd person perspective, it’s actually interesting to see this boil down.
As I stepped away from the dance floor and looked away from my acquaintance and down, wiggling my toes inside my black socks, I wondered “What happened just now?” Even an old buddy who noticed this and asked, “What happened? What would the old Michael do?”
Being back at a place of memories reminds me that I was the person who I had sworn to never become. Being back at the hall of mirrors reminds me that I still need changing.
Later on today, I was pierced today again.
Once again, I see that people can truly strike you down when you try and help them examine their statements a bit more; not even to try and help, but the mere act of asking someone to examine themselves can merit a well-delivered stab in the face… Seeming to say “Sometimes, it’s too much to even ask someone to contemplate a little deeper than usual. Sometimes, it’s better to be surface-level. Let’s never to talk deeply ever.”
Well, perhaps, in my case, i shouldn’t have asked that person such introspecting questions.. after all, “He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, And he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not reprove a scoffer, lest he hate you, Reprove a wise man, and he will love you”(Prov 9:7-8).
Still, I know that I made the foolish decision to try to correct someone whose character may not have been shown to prove one’s “correctableness”.
Obviously, this happening, along with other mopiness-causing things, can really put a damper in one’s living out of genuine joy…
And seeing myself becoming mopy, even with knowing the reason to have joy in all circumstances, makes me mopier still..
But praise God that there’s hope.
“This is the covenant that I will make with them
after those days, declares the Lord:
I will put my laws on their hearts,
and write them on their minds,”
then he adds, “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.”
As I consider my ways and deeply think, I got to remember that this is a promise that is unbreakable.
One day, mopiness will be just a fading memory.
As for now, I can rejoice in that I still have hope in that there’s room for change & that change is certain.
If anything, I need only look back a little bit.. and see that I’ve changed for the better comparing to before. Progress has been made. Things are different and better.
However, it’s still natural to suffer through the seemingly random season of mopiness. It’s a sign that even as we are still progressing forward in our walk, there’s still imperfections and problems that can take longer to root out. Hence, we must ask ourselves this:
When we are in pain, can we still worship God?
PS: more thoughts to come. As for this “thorn” that I mention…. that’s another long post to come.
As for why I quit Dancesport,… well, this post answers a part of that question 😉